Hollow & Hate & Life
by Kezone
Summary: AU. Shinji is the only vizard who managed to escape Soul Society.


1.

Sometimes the shinigami come by.

Whenever that happens Shinji hides in the storage.

Urahara had said it was for his own protection. Shinji knew it was for the protection of the shinigami.

He hates the shinigami, (somewhere along the way he had stopped counting himself as one of them), hates them for betraying him.

"They just didn't know any better," Urahara says with a chuckle.

"Didn't know, huh?" Shinji sighs, "Didn't know is what got Hiyori and the others killed then."

Shinji tries really hard not to jump out of his hiding spot and slaughter all of the shinigami that come by.

_It wasn't me_, he tries to convince himself, _it was the hollow_. _The hollow made me this way_. Sometimes, he started to think that there was no real difference between him and the hollow, but he quickly banishes that thought.

He is a monster.

That's his excuse.

2.

He only manages to stay with Urahara for a few years before he runs away. It comes as a relief.

He finds himself an abandoned building and holes himself up in there. He bolts all of the exits, hoping that it'll be enough to keep himself from escaping.

He worries that he'll be driven to eat souls.

Shinji tried to protect the world from him.

He manages to stay there two years, never eating or drinking, before the hollow inside him takes over and breaks free.

Shinji finally regains his consciousness to find himself standing in front of a massacre. Twenty or thirty humans lying on the floor dead and himself covered in blood.

That is the first time Shinji finds himself running back to Urahara's side, all alone and covered in the blood of innocents.

Over the years he tries to leave many times, only to find himself once again curled up in Urahara's basement, crying, and trying to find some way to make it up to the humans he's eaten.

He hunts down hollows too, as some demented way of making it up to the living souls he kills.

Hollows taste better, at least, but they aren't enough to satisfy his consuming hunger.

3.

Rukia is just one of many shinigami that he almost kills.

Yoruichi is tasked with an eye on him while Rukia is buying the modsoul.

"She wasn't part of the squads when we left," she comforts him.

Shinji nods mutely.

She wasn't guilty. He doesn't need to punish her. He should just let her be.

It's just Aizen… Only Aizen needs to die…

4.

He's furious when Urahara tells him about what Ichigo has become.

"Have ya seen what this has made me? Do ya _want_ another insane monster ta look after?"

"Well, you've managed just fine, so-"

"I HAVE NOT. I still eat humans, I'm tryin' to stop, you know that, but I'm still a monster. A hollow."

Sometimes Shinji hates Urahara.

Urahara is better than Aizen, he reminds himself after an argument like this, and Aizen has to die, no matter what. That's what keeps Shinji from offing himself, the goal of killing Aizen and getting revenge for his companions.

The boy named Ichigo might be useful in this goal. Besides, Shinji is curious about this person who suffers from the same ailment as he does.

So Shinji tells Urahara that he's going to infiltrate Ichigo's class and watch him.

Urahara is surprised at this, he reminds Shinji that Shinji can snap any minute. This might end with him killing all of the students. Shinji says that if Ichigo is as strong as Urahara claims, the boy can manage to restrain Shinji long enough for him to regain control of himself.

The plan is put on hold when Ichigo goes to infiltrate Soul Society.

5.

Shinji sleeps in the alleyway, lying on the cold cement. He is covered in blood and mangled corpses lay scattered about him. He lies on his side, his knees pulled close to his chest. In his free hand he holds a painting of the thirteen division lieutenants and captains from when he was member. His own face- long hair and wide smile, both long gone- has been scratched out. Crude graffiti is drawn over all of the ones who didn't die that night so long ago. Aizen's face is the worse off.

6.

School is odd.

He sees students laughing and smiling.

He hasn't seen facial expressions like that in a long time.

For some reason no-one ever looks happy when Shinji's around. They always tend to shy away, that or scream in terror. Urahara is an exception, but for some reason to Shinji he doesn't really count anymore.

Ichigo is surrounded by friends who obviously love him.

Shinji is seated next to him.

Shinji doesn't talk to anyone besides Urahara anymore and even that happens rarely, so he isn't quite sure how to put his purpose into words.

"Ichigo Kurosaki, huh? I've heard of you. Ya have the hollow, right? Inside you?"

Ichigo stares at the new student nervously.

"I face that same predicament. I'm, ah, how do ya say this, a _colleague_ of Urahara's. Used ta be a captain over at Soul Society, but that's all in the past now. I was told that Aizen came back inta power and yer supposedly the only hope fer defeating him. I can teach ya a bit 'bout managing yer hollow."

"Why did you leave Soul Society?" Ichigo asks suspiciously.

Shinji laughs. "Let's just say they ain't too fond of hollows over 'ere. When I got turned they quick as brought out the torches and pitchforks. Ya'd think they were some sorta medieval village or something."

"Why should I trust you?"

"No god reason ta." Shinji admits, "Why should ya trust Urahara too, fer that matter. Why trust anyone? All I wanna do is put an end to Aizen. That's all."

Ichigo accepts that reason.

7.

Shinji has a habit of making practice dummies out of innocent walls. He just plasters pictures of Aizen and the rest of the thirteen divisions and practices his techniques on them.

Ichigo is slightly put off by this at first, but he gets into the hang of it soon enough and the Aizen pictures are soon ruined by the two vizard's training methods.

Shinji can only teach Ichigo the basics of Hollow control for that's all he knows, and Ichigo works on it by himself as well. Ichigo promises that he'll find some way for Shinji to become more like a normal soul again. Shinji smiles smugly and say that that is impossible; he's been trying so long so Ichigo can't possibly discover some way he's missed.

8.

Shinji arrives to help the thirteen squads not for their sake but for Ichigo's.

The captain commander is surprised by the site of him, and says he thought Shinji had died along with the rest of them all of those years ago.

He pointedly ignores the shinigami's reactions, some of them excited, some relieved, some asking if any of the others said to die that day survived. He ignores them all.

He's fighting side by side with them again.

It's so strange.

These people who were once his allies, who he once was close to, these people who he's done nothing but hate for the past century, these people who will probably turn on him and give him a mercy kill once the fight is over…

He isn't sure how he feels about them.

9.

Then there is Aizen,

He fights Aizen, he tries his hardest, but he simply isn't able to beat him.

He goes into hollow mode, allows the divisions to see the monster he has become.

_Why, why why whywhwywhwywywhwywwhwhwywhww ywwhywyywhwwywhwyw_

_Die die die diediedieidieiidieidididiidd iiddiidde_

_I hate you. Hate hate Aizen die _

_JUST DIE AND LEAVE_

_HIYORI… _

_AIZEN DIE!_

_I JUST WANT_

_all i ever wanted_

Shinji gasps and fall to the ground, horribly injured. He feels himself fading away, and stares up at Aizen so far above him through a cracked mask.

Shinji dies this way, and he apologizes to Ichigo with his last breath:

"Sorry, but ya'll have ta find yer own way outa this one. Too bad—I was starting ta think it woulda been nice to stick around a bit longer."

10.

He cradles Hiyori's body in his arms, the rest of them lying in a circle around him like the strewn about toys of a small child.

"Bye."


End file.
